And it would have even if Kerry won. Not only that, but I guarantee you persuaded 10 people who were planning on voting for Kerry to vote Bush. At least now we have someone to blame.

Not only should these shoes come with a warning that you have to wake up an hour early in order to put them on, but they should also come with a warning that nobody is going to respect you, no matter how how great they are for….wait, nevermind

If you’re going to wear your hair like a washed-up Johnny Rotton, at least try to look like you’re having a good time while doing it. Have a shower and apologize to Joe Strummer.

But dude, tattoos are for pussies!

I know that peoplelike to get high and watch Alice in Wonderland, but you’re taking it to a whole new level. Seriously. What are you doing?

Pouts on their faces, snorking gear, bikinis, and boxing poses. I don’t know what to say. I’m not aroused or scared. Double fail.

Open letter to his parents: You better hope he’s gay – it’ll be way easier on him.

Tourists, huh? Cars are coming from the right buck-o. But then again, maybe if you get hit by a car you’ll have enough sense knocked into you to get you to never wear those socks again

“Normally I would stay home and watch Lost on a Saturday night, but my LCD TV broke and the loaner is that 13″ model in the background. So forget it, I’m taking this rubber dress, my knee-high socks and this blue wig and hitting the club with my backpack on. God I miss raves.”

“Dear classmates,

None of you really understand me. I thought that sulking around and listening to heavy metal would signify my feelings, but it did not. Well  I’m uping the ante today. Just in case you didn’t understand how alone I feel, I am fashioning my hair into a prison. I am trapped inside my body with my tormented soul. I stare at the sky hoping to escape these feelings.

William”

Dear William – Shut up.